5/14/2008
Cohabitation and Relationship Success
A look at the mounting data
surrounding the effects of cohabitation
By Jeannine Lee, CPCC, ACC, GRC, CMHC
Life by Design
I don't know who spoke the words "Vision without action is but a daydream and action without vision is a nightmare" or why they first spoke them, but it certainly applies to creating conscious relationships. Dreaming about what you want in a relationship without taking action to become the person who can have it is indeed a daydream. Going forward without an idea of where you are going is chaos.
Humans are relational creatures. We are designed for companionship. As adults we have an inner drive to connect with a special person - to know and be known; to love and be loved; to have a close, connected, intimate relationship with some longevity to it. And yet, usually out of complete ignorance, we can manage to sabotage the very closeness we desire resulting in mistrust in the very relationships we crave. Catch 22. We want it and we don't know how to get it.
Thankfully, there has been enough interest in the rising failure rate of relationships to spur some very good research. One thing that has come out of that research is the importance of commitment to relationship success. By commitment I mean both feet in, closing the door behind, and doing whatever it takes to figure it out.
One surprising outcome from the research is the many and varied ways that cohabitation sabotages long term relational success. The purpose of this article is to look at the mounting data surrounding the effects of cohabitation - a man and woman living together as a couple but without the bond of marriage.
Before we begin, I want you to ask yourself the question: "What do I want my relationship to look like?" Are you looking for a long-term relationship with good communication and problem solving skills, safety, fidelity, happiness, fairness, a high level of commitment, and some staying power? Most people are. A lot of singles, especially the divorced, are very concerned about compatibility in areas that they feel didn't work in prior relationships, whether that is finances, household duties, child-rearing or sexual compatibility.
Fifty years ago living together outside of marriage was unheard of. Today, over half of all first marriages begin with the couple living together first. Some of the reasons people give for cohabiting is that it can save on expenses, is a ready source of companionship, and assures relatively safe sex. Some view cohabitation as a stepping stone toward marriage, for some it is an alternative to marriage, and for yet others it is simply better than living alone.1
Let's look at some of the facts surrounding the reasons people give for living together:
- Cohabiting will save you money.
A study in the Journal of Marriage and Family (Wilmoth 2002) of 9,137 retired persons looked at the relationship between marital status and wealth. Cohabitants who never married had 78% less wealth than the continuously married. Those who had been divorced or widowed had 68% less wealth. Clearly there is a negative economic impact for those who cohabit.
- Cohabiting provides companionship.
Compared to couples who marry without living together first, cohabiting couples who later marry experience higher levels of instability and disagreement, lower levels of interaction, lower marital satisfaction, less time spent together in shared activities, higher levels of disagreement, less supportive behavior, less positive problem solving, more reported marital problems, less ability to communicate effectively, and a greater perceived likelihood of marital dissolution.2 In addition, unmarried couples have lower productivity in their work, are not as physically and mentally healthy, happy, and do not have the longevity of married couples.3
- A safe place for sexual fulfillment.
When it comes to sexual fidelity cohabiting women are five times more likely to have another sexual partner outside the relationship than are married women.4 Ninety-six percent of married men report that they did not have sexual relations with anyone other than their spouse during the previous year as compared to 69 % of cohabiting men.5 One study found that infidelity increased by 39% for cohabiting couples who later married. 6
As far as safety, it is more common for women who cohabit to be on the receiving end of physical and sexual abuse than for women who are married.7 Aggression among cohabitants is twice as high as for married couples. Further, studies have found that women in cohabiting relationships are far more likely to be killed by their partner than are married women.8
There's more. Women feel an even greater lack of security and happiness in a cohabiting relationship. They are more irritable, anxious, worried and unhappy. Nearly 25% of cohabiting women suffer from neurotic disorders as compared to 15% of married women. According to the National Institute for Mental Health, cohabiting women have depression rates 3 times that of married women.
There is a growing belief that marriage is a frail and outdated institution and that living together offers a more contemporary approach toward relationship success. To see if this is true, let's look at a few quick stats that surround marriage and cohabitation:
- 40% of cohabiting relationships will end before marriage. (Annual Review of Sociology)
- Couples who live together before marrying have a 46% higher chance of later dissolution than those who do not. 9
- Cohabiting couples have a rate of separation that is five times greater than that of married couples. (Binstock 2003)
- In the event of separation cohabitants have a reconciliation rate that is only 33% that of married couples. (Binstock 2003)
- Multiple cohabiting relationships prior to marriage predicts even greater relationship failure once married.10
Why such different results between marriage and cohabitation? In The Abolition of Marriage, Meg Gallagher, who is president of the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy, says, "Cohabitation apes marriage and thus creates the external appearance of a union of lives without creating the internal, moral, legal, or emotional reality of such a union."11 In other words, something is missing. Whatever that something is makes a big difference.
Cohabiting relationships mimic marriage in many ways: living under the same roof, mingling of finances and schedules, sexual intimacy, and sometimes children. They differ however at the basic level of commitment and autonomy. Studies show that cohabitants tend to be less committed to the relationship than married couples and that they are quicker to terminate it, likely because they are more interested in their personal autonomy.12 Once this low-commitment, high-autonomy pattern of relating is established in a relationship, it tends to remain.
In studies done both in 1989 and in 1996, 76% of those surveyed reported plans to marry the person they were living with, but a lower percentage actually did. The average length of a cohabiting relationship that does not lead to marriage is 12 to 18 months (VanGoethem 2005:183), and 57% of cohabiting couples dissolve within ten years as compared to 30% of all first marriages (VanGoethem 2005:77). That is nearly double the failure rate of marriage. Again, we notice that something significant takes place, or is missing, in this less committed area between dating and marriage. Is living together a viable step to creating a great relationship? It depends on what you want. If your vision is a long-term, committed relationship, this might not be the way to go.
One last belief to look at closely is the belief that living together, as opposed to marrying, makes it easier to leave should the relationship fail. Before we get to matters of the heart, let's consider the more practical side of a breakup: Often finances are co-mingled including large ticket items such as a mortgage or a lease, schedules have become entwined, maybe a pet is involved, sometimes children have come from the union. Each takes considerable attention to separate out. Extended family and friends often have the expectation that you will stay together and eventually marry making it hard to see other alternatives or admit to having made a mistake. These expectations can cause pressure to stay in a relationship that should maybe end. These pressures likely contribute to the dissatisfaction and aggression that show up in cohabiting relationships.
Last but not least are the matters of the heart. Attachment is attachment whether married or living together. The more invested you are, the more years you've shared, the more you've experienced together, the more entwined your heart strings will be. The losses that come at the end of a relationship are very real whether you are married or cohabiting. The person you are separating from will not be your only loss. (You may actually be glad to get rid of that one.) You also lose a lifestyle, hopes, and dreams you've held for your future. Many of the relationships that surround the union, such as friends and family, will be lost or at the very least changed. And then there's that ever looming fear of being alone again. You can experience the same pain of divorce without ever having been married. Cohabiting provides no assurances that the separation process will be easier, and as we have learned, living together prior to marriage increases the chances that you will face the pain of relationship loss.
Statistically, there is one instance when living together does not harm later relational stability. A couple who has made a commitment to be together, such as engagement, statistically has the same success rate as the married. Apparently it is the commitment level that eliminates the autonomy and independence that does the harm in cohabiting relationships.
So what are the alternatives? Many times singles, especially the divorced, are lonely and feel driven to a relationship by that loneliness. There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness. Becoming a successful single is key to relationship success. What does that mean? It means doing the work to become your own person. Become whole and complete so you have something to give to another and so that you are not dependent on any one else to feel desired. Find your purpose. Deeply explore your own hopes, dreams, and talents. Get comfortable with - celebrate - who you are. Live independently. Be financially responsible. Create a social network of family, friends and community who will meet your emotional needs. Find the place of playfulness in your life.
And remember to answer the question: "What do I want?" Answering that question will give direction to just about anything: career choices, re-locating, financial decisions, and in our context today - romance. It is The Question for creating vision, setting goals, and staying on task. Count the cost ahead of time of sacrificing long term goals for short term gratification and/or survival. Do you want a long-term, quality relationship? Know the facts and use them to set yourself up for success.
1. R. Rindfuss and A. VanDenHeuvel. 1990. "Cohabitation: A Precursor to Marriage or an Alternative to Being Single?" Population and Development Review 16:703-726; Wendy D. Manning. 1993. "Marriage and Cohabitation Following Premarital Conception." Journal of Marriage and the Family 55:839-850.
2. Kamp Duch, Claire M. Catherine L. Cohan and Paul R. Amato. "The Relationship Between Cohabitation and Marital Quality and Stability: Change Across Cohorts?" Journal of Marriage and Family. Vol. 65, August 2003. Pgs. 539-549.
3. Lee A. Lillard and Linda J. Waite. 1995. "Till Death Do Us Part: Marital Disruption and Mortality." American Journal of Sociology 100:1131-1156; R. Jay Turner and Franco Marino. 1994. "Social Support and Social Structure: A Descriptive Epidemiology." Journal of Health and Social Behavior 35:193-212; Linda J. Waite. 1995. "Does Marriage Matter?" Demography 32-4:483-507; Sanders Korenman and David Neumark. 1990. "Does Marriage Really Make Men More Productive?" The Journal of Human Resources 26-2:282-307; George A. Akerlof. 1998. "Men Without Children." The Economic Journal 108:287-309.
4. Forste, Renata and Koray Tanfer. "Sexual Exclusivity Among Dating, Cohabiting, and Married Women." Journal of Marriage and the Family. Vol. 58, 1996. Pgs. 33-47.
5. Billy, John O.G. "The Sexual Behavior of Men in the United States." Family Planning Perspectives. Vol. 25, No. 2, March 1993. Pgs. 52-60.
6. Treas, Judith. "Sexual Infidelity Among Married and Cohabiting Americans." Journal of Marriage and the Family. Vol. 62, No. 1, February 2000. Pgs. 48-60.
7. Rector, Robert. "Marriage: Still the Safest Place For Women and Children." Backgrounder. The
8. Jan E. Stets. 1991. "Cohabiting and Marital Aggression: The Role of Social Isolation." Journal of Marriage and the Family 53:669-680. One study found that, of the violence toward women that is committed by intimates and relatives, 42% involves a close friend or partner whereas only 29% involves a current spouse. Ronet Bachman. 1994. "Violence Against Women." Washington, DC: Bureau of Justice Statistics. p. 6
9. Alfred DeMaris and K. Vaninadha Rao. 1992. "Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability in the United States: A Reassessment." Journal of Marriage and the Family 54: 178-190.
10. DeMaris and McDonald. 1993. op. cit.; Jan E. Stets. 1993. "The Link Between Past and Present Intimate Relationships." Journal of Family Issues 14-2:236-260.
11. Gallagher, Maggie. The Abolition of Marriage: How We Destroy Lasting Love. Washington D.C.: Regnery Publishing, 1996. p. 168.
12. Stephen L. Nock. 1995. "A Comparison of Marriages and Cohabiting Relationships." Journal of Family Issues 16-1:53-76. See also: Robert Schoen and Robin M Weinick. 1993. "Partner Choice in Marriages and Cohabitations." Journal of Marriage and the Family 55:408-414.