Feature Article - The Two Sides of Child Behavior
This is the third article in a series on the different states/voices from which we relate to others as taught in the Rebuilding Divorce Recovery Seminar. Not only does this kind of learning help us to recover from divorce and participate in future relationships more effectively, it can also serve as a preventative measure for good relationships. Every couple will benefit by the learning.
As humans we have a whole team of parts, voices, possible ways of being available to us. Awareness of those possibilities is key to choosing appropriate behavior for a given situation. It is the adult self that has the ability to wisely orchestrate all the voices. (See January issue.) Sometimes parent behavior (giving nurturing) is appropriate. (See February issue.) Sometimes child behavior (receiving nurturing) is appropriate.
This month we will look at the two sides of child behavior - the natural or authentic child and the adaptive child.
The two sides of child behavior
The Natural Child- Lives for the present
- Is Uninhibited
- Does what feels good
- Is often creative/good at pretending
- Is spontaneous
- Irresponsible
- Unreliable
- Doesn't delay gratification
- Is often the state we are in when we are having fun
Natural child behavior is normal human behavior - absolutely appropriate until about age two. Adaptive behaviors can be with us a life time and are not very useful in adult relationships.
Adaptive Child- Figures out a way to get around the rules
- Persuasive
- Manipulative (creative truth telling)
- I know what I want and I'm just going to get it
- Sneaky
These behaviors are called adaptive for a reason. When we are little people we have strong needs for love, nurturing and a sense of "ok-ness". However, the big people around us are often not capable of giving us what we need (in large part because they didn't get it either), so we will adapt our behaviors to get those needs met. Often it is a matter of survival.
Adaptive behaviors show up from two basic stances:If your parents were needy, depressed, dealing with addictions or otherwise unavailable, you may have become a care-taking nurturer.
- The self-talk is, "If I take care of them, they will love me."
- Giving is easier than receiving
- Caretakers give to get love
- Nurturers are often the ones in need of nurturing
If your guardians were critical, perfectionistic, or unpleasable, you likely have become a perfectionist and critical of yourself and others.
- The self-talk is, "If I am perfect, they will love me."
- You may strive to be the star athlete, or get the best grades
- You achieve to get approval
- There may be a constant feeling of not being enough
These adaptive child behaviors come from a place of emptiness. They show up as game playing, blame, denial, the need to be right and manipulative behaviors. They are dishonest and make liars out of us.
How these behaviors affect adult relationships
The fun loving behaviors of the childhood are absolutely appropriate - that is up until about age 2. After 2 they are appropriate only under certain conditions. Brought into adult relationships unconscious child behaviors can wreak havoc. A conversation with a grownup who is still acting from a natural child position may go something like this: "Did you pay the credit card bill?" "No, I wanted a big screen TV, so I bought that instead." And if the lying and manipulative behaviors of the adaptive child are present you may not know your partner hasn't filed the taxes for 10 years until the IRS comes knocking at your door.
Relationships are always seeking balance, a sense of stasis. When one person in the relationship is an under-responsible child the other may take an over-responsible role in the relationship to create the needed balance. Without intervention the parent/child, under/over responsible, enabling/addictive behavior will most definitely undermine love.
Endeavoring to transition from the parent/child dynamic to one of adult to adult is a leading cause of divorce. Though difficult, the transition is not impossible. If this is your relationship dynamic I suggest you begin immediately to change the dynamic. (There are some very interesting coaching techniques that can help to bring clarity. See this month's special on Working with Roles (see the right side bar) if you want to try them out.
As with all behaviors awareness is key.If we become aware of the power and effect of each behavior we can CHOOSE the behavior that is most useful. Child behaviors have limited usefulness in relationship and yet they show up all the time - especially in conflict. The parent voice is necessary in its proper context and harmful in others.
Next month will be the last in our series on adaptive behaviors and we will put them all together into the bigger picture of conscious relationship.
From the Bookshelf - Journey Through Heartsongs
by Mattie Stepanek
Life has a lot of demands. Hectic is sometimes an understatement. In the midst of the hectic it is easy to forget ease - that is until a child reminds us of what is important. Mattie Stepanek was a visionary and peacekeeper. He began writing poetry at the age of 3 - big, expansive, life visioning poetry. Even though Mattie is no longer with us, (he left us in June of 2004), his legacy lives on. He had a tremendous love and vision for the best of humanity. Every once in a while I am expanded and deeply touched as I visit his view of the world through one of the many books he authored. Here is one of his poems. Mattie was 10 when he wrote it:
About Wishing
Some people think that
Wishing is childish.
But, wishing is for everybody.
Wishing can help the old feel young
And wishing can help the young grow into the
Wisdom of age.
Wishing is not prayer or magic,
But, somewhere in between.
Like prayer and magic,
Wishing brings optimism,
And wishing brings hope.
And like prayer and magic,
Wishing brings new ideas,
And sometimes,
The touch of new life.
And that, is essential
For our future.
If you are ever tempted to forget what is important, I encourage you to spend some time with the wisdom of a young sage named Mattie.
Learn more about Mattie: http://www.mattieonline.com
Life Designers
Do you know a couple who has a great relationship? Are you part of a couple who has designed your relationship creatively and authentically to be completely and uniquely you? If so, I would like to hear from you. Up until now the Life Designers section of this Newsletter has featured a variety of individuals who have created a purposeful life. Beginning next month we will be expanding our focus to include couples who are creating purposeful, conscious relationships.
In April you will meet Chris and Kathy. She is a brilliant business woman and the main breadwinner for the family. He is a stay at home Dad, house-husband and main caregiver for their two children. They have been an inspiration to me for years. Stay tuned as they share the secrets of their success.
One Thing I Want You to Know About Divorce...
By Deborah
In India the lotus flower is viewed as a powerful, spiritual symbol. It is a plant that grows in extreme adversity, yet has a most beautiful and fragrant blossom. The flower is white and radiant despite the mucky conditions in which it grows. This plant to me, is representative of the divorce process.
During a divorce we are taken to some of our lowest lows. There are times when we can barely see ourselves to another day. Crying is our main activity. Putting one foot in front of the other seems like an unreasonable task. Yet, we make it one day at a time. God, friends and family step in and offer love and support to help us through this painful time. After awhile the crying begins to lessen and the pain begins to ease. Slowly we begin to emerge from the pain and the muck. We grow. We blossom. It is not an easy process and growth is not a given. It is a choice. Stay stuck in the pain or blossom. Some remain stuck. They harbor anger and resentment. They will never reach the lotus stage of their life as long as they hold on to these negative and destructive emotions. The choice is yours. Do you want to blossom? The promise of a better, more beautiful life is yours for the taking.