Feature Article - Adults Negotiate
This is the final article in a series on the different states/voices from which we relate to others as taught in the Rebuilding Divorce Recovery Seminar. Not only does this kind of learning help us to recover from divorce and participate in future relationships more effectively, it can also serve as a preventative measure for good relationships. Every couple will benefit by the learning.
As humans we have a whole team of parts, voices, possible ways of being available to us. Awareness of those possibilities is key to choosing appropriate behavior for a given situation. It is the adult self that has the ability to wisely orchestrate all the voices. (See January issue.) Sometimes parent behavior (giving nurturing) is appropriate. (See February issue.) Sometimes child behavior (receiving nurturing) is appropriate. (See March issue.) This month we will put it all together. What are the most useful behaviors? What gets in the way? How can we capitalize on this learning for maximum benefit?
Remember that it is the adult influence that provides the most flexibility and allows for the most options. The adult voice has a wide range of possibilities in that it has the ability to, logically and rationally, summon the voice of the child, or the voice of the parent as needed. Let's apply the learning to planning a vacation.
Two 'child voices' planning the vacation:
"I want to go to __________ and stay in the most expensive condo on the beach. We can hire a limo and take helicopter rides, maybe go scuba diving. We can try a different kind of food and different wines at every meal. Of course I'll need all new clothes and new luggage and...." "And I want to go deep sea fishing and parachuting over the beach and sunrise hot air balloon rides, and there are a couple of really exclusive golf courses that I'd like to hit and...."
A child and a critical parent planning the vacation:
"I want to go to __________ and stay in the most expensive condo on the beach. We can hire a limo and take helicopter rides, maybe go scuba diving. We can try a different kind of food and different wines at every meal. Of course I'll need all new clothes and new luggage and...." "And who is going to pay for all this? Do you think money grows on trees? Spend, spend, spend. That's all you know how to do."
Now let's bring in two adults planning the same vacation:
"I want to go to __________ and stay in the most expensive condo on the beach. We can hire a limo and take helicopter rides, maybe go scuba diving. We can try a different kind of food and different wines at every meal. Of course I'll need all new clothes and new luggage and...." "And I want to go deep sea fishing and parachuting over the beach and sunrise hot air balloon rides, and there are a couple of really exclusive golf courses that I'd like to hit and...."
"Wow. We really want to do a lot of expensive stuff. How in the world are we going to pay for it?" "I don't think there's any way we can do all of it. I guess I don't really have to go golfing. Is there anything you can live without?" "That ratty old luggage is still useable; I guess I don't need new luggage. What do you think of selling the ___________ that we never use, and putting that money toward some of this?"
Adult Negotiation
The adult invites both the dreaming of the child and the logic of the parent. Adults negotiate. A great negotiating skill to master is the art of requesting. "I'm willing to give up the golf. Will you forego buying new clothes?" The response to a request is always: "Yes", "No", or a re-negotiation of the request to something that you CAN agree to. "I really want the new clothes, but I am willing to use that same old ratty luggage, and we probably won't have time for scuba diving anyway."
We cannot control other people. We cannot make another person do anything. Even if they choose to comply to our outrage, they are still making the choice to do so, albeit probably with resentment. Self-control, much to our dismay sometimes, is all that is really available to us. In relation to others self-control shows up as boundaries. "But this looks like so much fun, I don't want to give up anything." "Well I'm not willing to max out our credit cards, so now what?"
If both people stay in the adult - dreaming when appropriate and being realistic with the practical matters, negotiating instead of playing games, manipulating or controlling, they will likely plan a really great vacation that allows everyone to have some fun, both during the vacation, and when they get home and get the bills.
(If you want some practice, come up with a response to the above remark from each of the voices we've discussed: the natural child, the adaptive child, the critical parent, the nurturing parent, and the adult. I'll give you my ideas next month.)
Next month we'll take a look at boundaries: The role of boundaries in identity development. The difference between a boundary and a wall? What am I responsible for? How do I know where I end and you begin?
From the Bookshelf - "I'm OK - You're OK"
by Thomas A. Harris
A lot of the material about the different voices can be found in this book. It is written by a medical doctor and with a therapy slant, but the learning is made fairly simple. The premise is that we choose one of three positions by the time we are three years old: I'm not ok - you're ok; I'm ok - you're not ok; I'm not ok - and you're not ok either. From the book:
"Once finalized, the child stays in his chosen position and it governs everything he does. It stays with him the rest of his life, unless he later consciously changes it to the fourth position [I'm ok - you're ok]. The decision as to the first three positions is based totally on stroking and nonstroking [in the early years]. The first three are nonverbal decisions. They are conclusions, not explanations."
It is important to note that by learning about the different positions and the stories we tell ourselves to maintain them, we can consciously change to viewing life as an ok adult equal to other ok adults in the world. It is a pro-active choice that is not made upon feelings.
Life Designers
Akiane Kramarik
She's 12. She's an artist, musician, poet and the author of two books. She's been on over 30 television and radio shows. Her name is Akiane, and she is a very gifted young lady. An internationally recognized child prodigy, she is considered to be the only child binary genius in both realist painting and poetry. While many young girls her age are into teenage pursuits, Akiane is deeply in touch with her talents and the message she has to bring to the world.
Akiane is a person with a mission: "I want my art to draw people's attention to God and I want my poetry to keep their attention on God." The fourth of five children, Akiane was never exposed to spiritual matters and surprised many when at the age of four she began sharing her detailed visions about heaven and events on earth. Click here to view her work.
(Chris and Kathy may be with us next month. Family matters prevented them from joining us this month as planned.)
One Thing I Want You to Know About Divorce...
By Matt Kostelnik
One thing I want you to know about divorce is that when you divorce you are divorcing your spouse, not your children. A little over three years ago my wife and I were separated. Our daughter wasn't much more than 1 year old. It was a time of reflection for me. I knew I wasn't happy, but I couldn't bear the thought of breaking up our family. As I would rock her to sleep at night it would tear me up inside - the feeling that I would really be letting her down if I got divorced. The force of that kept me in a relationship longer than I probably should have.
I reconciled with my then spouse and everything seemed OK for several months, but soon the same old patterns began to emerge and within 9 months we found ourselves back at the exact same point we were at before our separation. In a moment of lucidity, we decided to get divorced. This time I realized that I would be divorcing my spouse, not my family. My daughter was a perfectly happy little child and my feelings of letting her down were due to my own hang ups and desires to give her the stable two parent household I had as a child but then lost when my Mother died when I was 10. Through the whole divorce process we kept my daughter's best interest as our focus. We made it through without any lawyers or nastiness.
My daughter is a perfectly happy, well adjusted 4 year old now and she is much better off than she was before. She is now able to have the example of parents who are not in conflict and are happy. Her mother and I are able to see past our differences to work together co-parenting her despite the fact that we are in two different households.