Feature Article - Boundaries
Boundaries - Creating and Protecting Love
NOTE: This article is the first of a series of two articles on Boundaries. In this first article we learn what a boundary is and the important role they play in relationships. Next month we'll learn of 4 different types of boundaries we can use in our relationships to both create love, and to protect it.
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"Good fences make good neighbors." This is as true in relationships as it is on the farm. Knowing where I end, and you begin, knowing what I'm in charge of and not in charge of, and how to communicate the difference, is a terrific relational skill.
What's Me and What Isn't Me
A boundary is a property line. To understand my boundaries, I must first understand ME. Among other things, my property contains my feelings, attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, values, limitations, talents, thoughts, and desires. It also includes my ability to give and respond to love. I am responsible for those things which are within my property line. I must know them, care for them, and protect them. That's my job.I am responsible for my HEART.
Skin is a very tangible and understandable boundary. We are designed so that the things that harm stay on the outside, and the things that nurture are on the inside. Germs and infections are supposed to stay on the outside of me, while my all important organs and tissues are supposed to stay on the inside. There will be a lot of trouble in my world if those two get mixed up. Emotionally those two can get mixed up, also.
Sometimes we keep out the things that nurture, while harboring the stuff that hurts. If you begin to beat yourself up by your own thoughts, remember you are doing that to yourself...and stop it!
If I am responsible for ME, then what am I not responsible for? Well for starters, I'm not responsible for you. You are responsible for you. You are responsible for the same things in you as I am in me. If you are responsible for your feelings desires, attitudes, etc., then obviously I am not. What a relief!
In relationship we then come together to negotiate our needs and wants. Have you noticed that we humans we are not always our most resourceful selves? If I have a need that I perceive you can meet I may try (however unconsciously) to manipulate, control, dominate or be angry with you to get it. "Be with me. Love me. Give me money. Do what I want." Whatever it is. We just do that - us humans. However, if you maintain your boundaries I won't be able to manipulate or control you. I'll be forced to stay in my own yard and deal with my own stuff - or not. But at least you'll be free to run around in your own yard without me hassling you.
So often in relationships we make our angst about the other person. "If only he or she would do... all would be better." But, in waiting for the other to do the changing my happiness is held hostage by that person. "I'm going to be miserable until you change and give me what I want." Wow. How fun is that? Instead, if I can find whatever piece of the difficulty that is mine and begin to change that immediately, I have taken my power back. I'm free! Even though it may seem like it, it's not about the other. It's about me taking ownership of my part and using it to grow and change. At first glance it seems like the fix to my unhappiness is "over there" with you, but it isn't. It's over here. It is my opportunity to grow.
Developing boundaries begins by developing a sense of self. You can begin by taking a piece of paper and drawing a line down the middle. Title one side: "What is Me" and the other "What is Not Me". As you go about your day, notice your responses to different people and different situations. Things that anger you or that you have judgments about will likely go on the "This is not me" side. Things you are drawn to, be it food or movies or whatever, will likely go on the "This is me" side. You will begin to know those things which are in your yard for which you desire to care and protect.
Next month we will learn about four different types of boundaries you can use in your relationships both to create love, and to protect it. Stay tuned!
From the Bookshelf - "Boundaries"
by Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud
When my yard and your yard are clearly defined I don't have to fear you or control you. I am free to love you. This concept can take a lifetime of refinement, but it is worth every effort. Everyone should have boundary setting capabilities in their toolbox.
Check it out: Boundaries.