Boundaries - Creating and Protecting Love
NOTE: This is the second of two-part series about boundaries. Last issue we defined boundaries, took a look at what they do for us, what we gain by having good boundaries and what we subject ourselves to when we have poor boundaries. In this issue we will talk about different kinds of boundaries and how we can apply them to different situations for best results.
Boundaries are identity builders.
Knowing where I end and you begin is a good start to knowing myself. "I like this. I don't like that. This is me. That is not me." It is the basic identity formation of any two-year old.
Once we get a sense of who we are - what is in our "yard" and what is not, we also know that which is under our care: our thoughts, feelings, values, goals, dreams, attitudes, beliefs, talents, desires, and our ability to give and respond to love.
Boundary identification is only the beginning. Once set, our boundaries will be continually challenged - by the pressure, control and demands of others, and sometimes our own desire to help and be there for others will keep us from saying No when we really want and need to.
There are several different kinds of boundaries at our disposal to protect this entity called, "Me." Each successive boundary gets a little tougher, a little more challenging, but also more effective.
Verbal Boundaries
The first and most basic boundary is the word "No," which is, of course, symbolic for any type of verbal limit.
This simple word has to be the most informative word in any language. It defines, protects and reveals. No is a line in the sand. It helps us define our own values by revealing our limits. It lets others know immediately and in no uncertain terms how we expect to be treated, or not treated, AND it reveals character - both our own and the character of the other.
The way the other responds upon hearing your No reveals their stance - toward you, toward others, and toward life in general. Can the other person hear and accept No from you? Is your No honored and embraced? Or is it shamed, made bad or wrong, manipulated or dominated?
How about your stance toward No?
Do you accept/embrace the other's No? Or do you believe they owe you and that they don't have the right to say No? Do you honor them by honoring their choice - even if you really, really want them to do whatever it is you are asking of them? On the flip side of that, can you say No to someone else and mean it - without feeling guilty?
No is a powerful word. It's ok to say No. Use it and observe.
Physical and Emotional Distance
If you are in relationship with someone who cannot or will not honor your verbal boundaries you may have to step it up a notch. I was once in relationship with someone like this. I discovered that I needed a physical barrier, not just a verbal one. Now I jokingly say that I needed a castle with a moat and alligators, but it wasn't such a joke at the time.
Inserting physical distance may mean going to another room, staying at a friend's house, or in more drastic situations going to a safe-house and/or getting a restraining order. Remember that protecting your heart is your most important job. If inserting space is what is required to do that effectively then by all means do it.
People require relationship and companionship. When you insert emotional distance you are leveraging that basic human need in order to create change in the relationship. The other gets to feel the emptiness, conflict, discouragement and any other emotions that come along with the behavior, which brings us to the next boundary:
Consequences
Boundaries protect your yard - your heart. In the real world there are consequences for entering another's property uninvited. "Trespassers will be prosecuted!" To be effective, boundaries must be followed up with promised actions. With children this can be a time-out after they've hit the dog with a club for the third time. With teens it may mean taking away the car keys for bad grades, smoking pot, or staying out all night. For a spouse it may mean separating yourself financially if spending is out of control. It always means setting a limit with stated consequences and carrying it through. Without the follow-through your verbal boundaries are nothing but fluff. There's a reason barbed wire was invented.
Time
All of the above boundaries can be more impactful by utilizing the boundary of time. Sometimes time and space are needed to see things more clearly - to let go of old, no longer useful behaviors, and to create safety. The boundary of time can be a tricky one, however. There are two dangers to be aware of with the time barrier:
- There is a tendency not to use its full potential by going back into a bad situation too quickly before it is safe to do so.
- Know that time by itself changes nothing. There must be an interjection of new information and behaviors during the allotted time to bring about any change.
Creating and Protecting Love
So how do boundaries create and protect love? Love comes when two whole and complete people consciously relate. You will not be whole and complete if someone is continually ravaging your yard. You will spend your time doing damage control instead. Setting and maintaining boundaries protects your heart and creates the space for love to grow. Boundaries allow you to build reserves so that you have something to give to the other.
Knowing that your heart, dreams, desires, talents, beliefs, etc. are not in danger but are safe, opens up a myriad of possibilities for your relationship. Deep, abiding relationships are in large part based on risk and vulnerability. When another acts in ways that support your dreams and honors your territory love has a lot of room to grow.
Boundaries are as important in work and family relationships as they are in romance. Begin immediately to try them out. You'll be glad you did.
From the Bookshelf - "Boundaries"
by Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud
When my yard and your yard are clearly defined I don't have to fear you or control you. I am free to love you. This concept can take a lifetime of refinement, but it is worth every effort. Everyone should have boundary setting capabilities in their toolbox.
Check it out: Boundaries.