The Purpose of Purpose
A running start
A jump
Arms fling wide
As you soar into your unfolding dream
And all of us below
Here on the ground
Cannot wait to hear your stories
Of impressive feats
Of groovy beats
Of triumph and adventure
As seen in a store window.....
The Purpose of Purpose
The ending of a love relationship can cause you to ask Big Questions. After getting past "Why me?" (that is a small question), the bigger questions show up. "What is my life about, now?" Or more importantly, "What do I want my life to look like, now?" become the important questions.
Divorce has a way of taking you apart. It then becomes up to you to put you back together. Divorce can open the soul to the urgency of life much the same way that any tragedy does. Life comes to be seen as too short to do it the way you've always done it. When I begin to hear the question "Who am I now?" as opposed to "Why me?" I know that recovery has begun in earnest.
Divorce recovery is about turning relationship loss into a transformative experience. If you work it right, if you take an honest look at what didn't work in your ended relationship, and if you take the time to reconfigure, you can come out better than you ever imagined. It isn't a miracle, though it is miraculous. It is likely the hardest work you will ever do, AND it's absolutely worth it. Life doesn't have to end with divorce. It can be a fabulous beginning.
Don't misunderstand, divorce is a difficult and painful process. BUT, if that is your path, I encourage you to get proactive with it. Use it to transform, to launch yourself into the life you've always wanted. You've just been handed a blank sheet of paper and a new box of crayons. What do you want to do with it? This is a fabulous time to explore your purpose.
What is Purpose?
What is purpose? It's waking up in the morning excited to bring the gift that is uniquely yours to the planet. Often it will be the thing that brings you the greatest delights and deepest angst all at the same time. Are you a parent? Are you a writer? Do you work in food service? Do you "manage" people? Do you design buildings, cars or furniture? Do you plant flowers? Do you teach? Do you fix stuff? Do you make people smile? In what way is the world different after you've given it a day of your life? That is your purpose, your place of contribution. And what the heck does that have to do with relationship recovery?
Relationships necessarily require compromise. Compromising on things you DO is a good thing. Compromising on who you ARE is not. If you've lost yourself, which happens a lot in a relationship when you've compromised the wrong stuff, then part of your rebuilding process will be to find yourself again, to find your purpose. This is such an important step and people miss it all the time, to their detriment. It is so easy to (try to) get relief from the pain by jumping into a new relationship. Damn it's tempting. I get that. But when you do that you absolutely and positively miss the learning. You abort the learning process. Pain is a teacher. It's important to answer (not just ask) the question, "Who am I now?" before attempting a new relationship. If you listen, Pain will guide your answer. Knowing yourself first will give you the best shot at future relationship success. Seek to know who you are in relation to yourself, as opposed to in relation to someone else.
The gift of loneliness
Being alone brings a certain kind of loneliness. Being alone after having been in relationship for a while can bring a more desperate kind of loneliness. Even if your relationship was a bad one, it may have felt better than being alone. Loneliness is a kind of hurt that demands to be appeased.
Like any other emotion loneliness brings a message. Something is missing. When it shows up, notice your lightening-quick response to interpret the message as, "I need another relationship, and damn fast too." Hmmm, another relationship founded upon appeasing loneliness. Oh joy. There are always a variety of interpretations we can give to any given situation/emotion/experience. I offer another interpretation to the message loneliness brings. I submit that what is missing is a true and vital relationship with You. In the end, you are the only one who can truly make you happy anyway.
Insert Space
Stop. Breathe. Love yourself. Pursue your own heart. Have you taken the time to get to know your own heart's desires the same way you would pursue the heart of another? Who are you? What do you want? What are your gifts and talents? What delights you? What saddens you? What do you like to do with your free time? What is the one thing you simply must do before you die? If you can't answer these questions you've lost yourself. Now is the time to explore. Take the time to find you again. Seeking a relationship while in a lost state will only attract another lost self. Let the fun begin.
People often ask, "When will I be ready to date again?" Before answering that question, let's look at some sure ways to know that you're NOT ready to date again.
Sure signs that you're not ready to date again
- You are attracted to people just like your ex. This means you haven't moved far enough away from your old way of being. If you don't learn the lesson from the last relationship you will re-create the same dynamic in a new relationship in order to "get it" this time. Oh please. Don't do that to yourself!
- The loneliness only goes away when you are in a relationship. If that is true there is still some work for you to do in creating a fabulous life that serves your needs independent of anyone else. It's not impossible, I promise.
- You are attracted to traits in someone else that are undeveloped in you. Maybe you are emotionally distant and you are attracted to someone who is alive with emotion. Or perhaps you are passive and you are attracted to someone who is aggressive/controlling. Or you are fast-paced and hard driving and are attracted to someone who is mellow and easy going. Know that you are attracted to it "over there" because you are out of touch with it in you. Your work then is to reincorporate that aspect of yourself. When you're no longer attracted to that trait "over there", you've completed that piece of the work.
The sign that you ARE ready to seek a serious relationship?
You don't need one. You've become so content in your own skin and in your own life that you're not looking for someone else to make it better. I call this successful singleness. Ooommph. Did I hear the wind just get knocked out of you? Sorry. It's still true. Fall in love with yourself first. Romance yourself. Know yourself in and out in just the way you would want to know a new love partner. That's when you're ready for the love of your life to show up. Relationships based on anything short of wholeness will be lessons or practice or both. Growing relationships aren't bad. Just know that that's what they are and don't get your heart broken again when they don't have the longevity you expect. If longevity is your interest, it will serve you to do the work of becoming the kind of person you want to attract before you invest in another relationship.
Back to Purpose
When you are fully engaged in loving yourself and bringing your gifts to the world loneliness goes away. If loneliness is still present in your life, there is more of you to assert into the world. Explore your purpose. Find your passion. BE your gift. Fall in love with life.
And all of us below
Here on the ground
Cannot wait to hear your stories
Of impressive feats
Of groovy beats
Of triumph and adventure
From the Bookshelf - "Finding Your Own North Star"
By Martha Beck
Inherent in the title is the promise that we HAVE an inner compass. Every experience we have provides us with information in order to make informed choices. Pain is a teacher. Beck teaches how to use signals from the essential self - such as illness, forgetfulness, addictions, low energy and mood swings, to steer toward your ultimate purpose - your own North Star. In base terms, she teaches us to again trust our gut even if that means saying No to some of the societal rules we've taken on that barricade the way. In lieu of having a coach to walk you through the mine field of what brings you alive and what deprives you of energy, this book is a good second.