The Honeymoon is Over
Once worshipful over the beautiful place she'd purchased, even to the extent of putting in a full-priced offer with no conditions and without ever seeing inside it, the woman who bought my house continued with her list of complaints. "It has some quirks," she says.
"So the honeymoon is over, huh?" I said with a wink. I was struck at how a new home is like any new relationship. It not quite like we envision it. Ah, oh. S/He has some quirks.
Preparing our home for sale was a lot like dating - dressing her up pretty and putting her best foot forward. Cracks were filled, paint applied, yard trimmed and mowed, weeds pulled. Not a lot different than pre-date ritual of many of us.
Buying a home is a huge investment. So is committing to another human. Getting rid of either if it's a lemon is complicated. It's important to do enough homework upfront so that there are minimal surprises.
What if we applied the same criteria we use for home buying to choosing a relationship partner?
- Does it pass inspection? - How is the foundation? Does it have a solid structure/character?
- Has it been maintained? - Is it solid all the way through? Or does it just look good on the outside?
- Is the title free and clear? - Are there any entanglements or boundary violations?
- Are there flowers in the yard? Or is it full of weeds?
- And as for the buyer - does s/he have the resources not only to buy it, but also maintain it and make it better?
This is one example of relationship that is all around us... so we can observe and learn and then make good choices about the relationships in which we are involved. Examples abound. At this moment I am loving the metaphor of buying a house. I talk with divorced people all the time. The stories vary somewhat but The Common Thread amongst them all is that they did not know their partner was capable of the thing that ultimately was the demise of the relationship. KNOWING IS KEY. Knowing before committing is imperative.
So what if you get yourself involved in a relationship and begin to notice "there are quirks"? You knew of course there would be. We humans are deep creatures. The question is can you live with the quirks that show up? For my new homeowner the biggest complaint was the squirrels dropping walnut shells outside the back door. Crunch, crunch, underfoot. This was bothersome enough for her to seriously consider cutting down the tree. She could do that. It is now her tree to do with as she pleases. But my advice? "I suggest you get used to it." Soon the squirrels will be tossing acorns from the three oak trees, the cones will continue to fall from the two giant spruce trees, the leaves will fall from all of those plus the 90 year old willow as well. She bought a house with trees. It's like a park and parks take maintenance. So I ask myself, how are my relationships like the quandary she finds herself in? When I think of the prices I pay in the way of relationship maintenance, do I get an appropriate return? Are the prices too high? Rarely. The shade and the fruit of those relationships is invariably worth it. No shade and no fruit? Well that's a different story.
I lived with those trees for 15 years and never once thought of cutting them down because of the mess they make. Different quirks bother different people. Have you spent enough time with your potential partner in a variety of situations to be able to discover his or her quirks? Are the quirks you notice quirks that you can live with? Getting used to them may very well be the best option. The fruit and the shade may be worth it.
What about the structure of the relationships that we build? I've seen many a big, fancy home that looks beautiful at first glance but it is falling apart piece by piece. The faucets are loose, gates are broken, doors hang ajar, windows don't close, the list goes endlessly on. But the people inside them have decorated them with expensive artwork and fancy furnishings causing them to look sound. Many relationships are just like that. The people inside them may even be fooled by the images they create. Instead of taking the time to create a solid structure they move in together, add a few personal touches and call it a relationship. Let the turmoil begin!
I will leave you with an inquiry this month:
Think about where you live. How did you choose it? What was your criteria? What have you done to it since you took ownership? And here's the inquiry: How is the way you create your living space like or different than your approach to relationship? What do you notice?
Like any inquiry it will take some pondering. This article will be posted on www.fisherrebuilding.com blog site for your comments. Please visit and let us know what you are noticing as you make the inquiry of yourself.
From the Bookshelf - "The Seven Levels of Intimacy"
by Matthew Kelley
Intimacy is THE most important of all relational needs, ranking right up there with food and water for our survival. Beginning with what intimacy is not: Sex is not Intimacy is the very first chapter, Kelley reveals the various levels of connection that a relationship can travel on its way to intimacy. From clichés to exploring legitimate needs, we learn that it is ultimately in revealing of oneself and knowing another that allows intimacy to develop. The book provides a roadmap for making relationships deeper and more meaningful.