A Big Red X.
A Big Red X. Curious title isn't it? What's that about?
I hear a lot of relationship stories. Divorce stories. Dating stories. I am continually amazed at the creative misery that people who were once in love with each other can cause the other while going through divorce. It's kind of the nature of the beast, so the horror stories of divorce don't surprise me all that much. Shock me, yes. Surprise me? No.
What does surprise me are the unconscious dating practices I hear about. Some people have learned behaviors that work in relationship and actively implement them. Others are able to recognize behaviors that wreak relational havoc and work to eliminate them. And some people just don't get it. Here's a joke I received recently:
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made. "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!"
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
When I read that joke I thought to myself: "Those two should both have a big Red X on their foreheads." In lieu of that type of social labeling, which would protect us from such relational idiocy, it behooves us to be aware of destructive relationship behaviors and RUN far and fast from them.
How can you avoid Red X behaviors - avoid either partnering with them, or participating in them?
Consider the come from place. Are you pursuing or being pursued:
- out of a fear of being alone
- a desire to have children
- for glamour or sex (as our couple above)
- out of loneliness
- for financial security
- because you like the idea of marriage
- for spite
- or fame?
Consider the motivation. Any version of using or being used gets a Big Red X. (Some less sinister motivations might be to try out new behaviors, to do a favor for a friend, or be nice to the wall flower.)
But what is the ultimate come from place? Asking why this person is seeking a relationship with you is good practice. "I want to know you." is the right answer. To know and be known is the ultimate come from place. This is where a relationship of any substance will begin.
So, do your public service, get out your lipstick or a big red marker and mark those dates that are down right dangerous to the heart. Give someone the gift of seeking to know them - connection heart-to-heart is what matters most!
From the Bookshelf - "He's Just Not That into You"
By Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
This book is full of Red X behaviors. Read it and laugh. A writer and consultant for the TV show Sex in the City, a man and a woman, a figurative big brother and little sister team up to reveal some of the wackiest relationship dynamics imaginable. Get informed. Require more of yourself. Require more of the people you date. This book will help you identify harmful relationship practices in a very humorous way.
Click here to check out the book.