The Gift of Conflict
Conflict happens. Whether we want it to or not, when there is an attempt at joining the two universes that are represented by two different people, crashes are going to happen. It may be as simple as just getting out of the way and making minute adjustments to accommodate another point of view, or it may be all out war when it feels as though something big is at stake: like what to do with the newly acquired raise, the perceived best interests of the children, or where to spend the holidays.
Conflict is a gift. What? Say again? It isn't about assigning blame, fixing a "problem", or figuring out who is doing what to whom, but instead points to something that is wanting to happen in the relationship. The relationship itself wants to get bigger in some way. In order to get bigger, it will require something of the two people involved, or all of the people involved in the case of a family, team or business. Instead of being a warning sign that a relationship is in trouble, I encourage you to curiously explore how it might be pointing toward positive change and discovery. Conflict can catapult a relationship to a higher level of cooperation and aliveness. Consider it the growing pains of a healthy relationship.
Let's look at some possible messages conflict may reveal:
- A need to spend more time together
- A need for breathing room, space apart, and independence
- Important relationship values
- A solution previously not considered
- The need to align around a common goal
- The need to step out of your usual roles and/or adopt new roles
- A personal growth step for one or both of you
- A need to change your expectations of how things ought to be.
If you are outgrowing an old way of being together that can mean it's time to reinvent and redesign your relationship. Your relationship is much like the old hermit crab who wanders around ever in search of a larger home. Conflict is what busts it out of its shell. If you're wise you'll support your relationship's need for something more expansive rather than fear it.
Here are a few tips for exploring conflict:
- If this situation were trying to get your attention about something completely unrelated to the problem, what might that be?
- Explore the dreams, wishes, or values that might be behind the conflict. What's important about that for you? It's not about the socks left on the floor, but it could be about not feeling respected in the relationship.
- Speak openly and honestly about your own disappointed dreams or expectations. "What I'm really upset about is..." Conflict is often about a disappointed dream or expectation.
- Be clear and direct about what you DO want instead of complaining about what you don't. What you want is likely also a want of the relationship.
- Even if you disagree, find the small part that IS true in what the other person is saying. Find the common ground between your two truths. The two perspectives together will reveal important information.
Avoiding conflict is about as useful as turning off the fire alarm to put out a fire. Pretending the conflict doesn't exist will not change the fact that there is something trying to express itself in your relationship.
Instead of, "I did not. It's your fault." Or "Yes, I did, so what, get over it." Or "Well, if you hadn't done X, I wouldn't have done Y." or "You made me," which are common responses to conflict and all about placing or deflecting blame, instead try, "I did. I'm sorry if what I did is hurting you and hurting us. Help me understand so I can do better." Take ownership of your needs with a view toward discovering what is trying to happen between you and for you.
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From the Bookshelf - "Loving What Is"
By Byron Katie
Katie has developed a system for looking at and exploring life. She calls it, The Work. The Work consists of applying 4, yes 4, questions to any difficulty, which then enables you to see that difficulty in an entirely different light. Says Katie, "It's not the problem that causes the suffering; it's our thinking about the problem." Trying to let go of a painful thought does not work. Instead, once we do The Work, the thought lets go of us and we can truly love what is, as it is. I have found Byron Katie a true inspiration as she utilizes her own principles to face some daunting life circumstances. This book has helped a lot of people get a different take on their lives.