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On Your Own for the Holidays?
Ahhhh, the holidays. Traditionally a time for family, there are many reasons that they bring up strong emotions - both the comfortable and uncomfortable kind. For the single, newly divorced, those without children around, or in tough family or romantic relationships, the holidays can be a challenging time. This newsletter is specifically directed to those who find themselves feeling alone during the holidays - for whatever reason. Now is the time to pro-actively create a fulfilling holiday. They are your holidays. What do You want them to look like? This is your chance to design the holidays in a way that make sense to YOU!
Using words like "dancing, breezing, or gliding" through the holidays, rather than "surviving, overcoming, or remaining sane" will re-frame the holidays in a positive way. Notice the difference? Changing your wording will give you a whole different perspective.
It is also important to be pro-active with your schedule. Here’s one way: Get out a calendar that has plenty of room to write - a planning or appointment calendar of some sort. Begin by blocking out the events that you already know about - Christmas parties, church events, school plays, friends and relatives visiting, or your own travel schedule. Note the spaces that remain empty. Purposefully fill in those blanks with activities that are meaningful to you. You don’t have to have every minute filled with something social - include times of rest and reflection too. As you choose down time, it won’t feel like "lonely" or "loser" time. It’s your choice. Here are a few ideas for activities:
- Daily walks or a new workout plan.
- A hobby or activity you’ve always wanted to try. The 10 year old that lives inside you probably has some ideas.
- Skiing, snowshoeing, ice skating or other winter activities.
- Intensive self-care. Put YOU on your priority list.
- Giving back. Helping others to gives life meaning.
- Improve your living space. Make it nice to be there.
- Spiritual/meditative practice.
- Schedule tea, lunch, a walk or even a phone call with someone every day.
- Create a tradition that is unique to you.
- Spend time in gratitude. Taken one moment at a time, life is pretty manageable.
- Make a daily appointment with wonder. Take a child along if you’ve forgotten how!
- Get to know - really know - friends and relatives. Every life is as a good novel.
- Reflect, write, sing, dance, color, make a picture board.
- Begin your life story.
Make sure you anticipate your needs and see that you don’t leave it to chance to have them met. If Christmas Eve might be a particularly difficult time for you plan ahead to fill that time with something that will be meaningful to you. Consciously connect, call a friend, have people over to make cookies, plan to be involved in something that will make you laugh. Reach out! Know that You are responsible for your happiness. Don’t leave your happiness up to someone else. That’s a sure recipe for misery.
Lastly, I know how tempting it is to get lost in the "If Only" conversation. If only I had a partner. If only the kids were around. If only the parents were still here. If only the home was filled with laughter. If you are divorced it’s so easy to wish for what once was. Grieving happens, and I so want you to honor that, but please also remember that NOW is a precious time, too.
We often wish childhood away for something we dream to be better and more magical, only to arrive at adulthood’s door greeted by work and taxes and the task of running the world. We can do the same thing with singleness. Don’t wish it away. Partnered isn’t better, it’s just different. It comes with its own unique responsibilities and challenges. As a gift to yourself, consider what it is that you have right now as a single that you would not have with a partner. Create the space to enjoy it.
Anything worthwhile takes effort. A good singleness, a good marriage, a good life, and great holidays all take effort. None of them "just happen." If it was easy, everyone would have them!
Wishing you holidays of peace and joy. YOU can make them happen!
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From the Bookshelf - "The Giving Tree"
by Shel Silverstein
A simple story, with simple line drawings, but with a powerful message, "The Giving Tree" is a story of the power and tenderness of unconditional love. A little boy loves a tree. The tree loves the little boy. At first he is content with her apples, but as he grows his needs also grow. She is able and willing to give everything the boy asks of her, even her trunk so he can make a boat and leave her. Even after giving everything she has, we hear, "And the tree was happy." She was happy to give, and indeed, gave yet again to the boy she loved, when he returned an aged man.