Life on the Learning Curve
Summer brings gardening. Gardening brings life lessons. Holding a packet of seeds in my hand and dreaming of cantaloupe is a very real reminder of how much time and effort growth actually requires. The time from shoot to fruit is always longer than I remember. Shipping in cantaloupe from Chile is a pleasant alternative. Somebody else puts in the time and work for me. What I get in return is the illusion that I can have what I want right now with little effort on my part.
It takes time to grow a relationship worth having. After putting in that kind of effort it is absolutely devastating when a relationship is yanked out by the roots and left to shrivel on the vine. Starting over is hard. Some things work in growing a relationship and some don’t. Divorced folks often want a new relationship right away but, understandably, are afraid to step fully into commitment again.
Research tells us that healthy relationships are not born out of living together before marriage. Cohabiting is to relationships what continual transplanting is to a new little plant. It takes much more time to get rooted in and stable, and outside stresses are more lethal because the plant lacks inner strength and stability.
We can’t ship in a pre-grown relationship. Darn. Better to become a wise gardener.
Cohabitation
Below an excerpt from an article I wrote and which was published in the Winter of 2008 issue of The Colorado Single’s Resource Guide. There is a longer, more in-depth version with all research noted here. Only a small portion of the actual research is written about here:Humans are designed for relationship. As adults, we have an inner drive to connect with a special person - to know and to be known; to love and to be loved; to have a close, connected, intimate relationship with some longevity to it. And yet, usually out of complete ignorance we can sabotage the closeness we desire resulting in mistrust in the very relationships we crave. Catch 22. We want it and we don’t know how to get it.
Thankfully, there has been enough interest in the rising failure rate of relationships to spur some very good research. One not so surprising outcome of that research is the importance of commitment to relationship success. An outcome that is not so well known is the many and varied ways that cohabitation sabotages long term relational success.
Fifty years ago, living together outside of marriage was unheard of. Today, over half of all first marriages begin with the couple living together first. For many, marriage has become a frail and outdated institution in need of upgrading to a more contemporary approach. But is the new solution any better than the old?
With the tightening economy there are many more almost-committed couples considering living together in the interest of finances. Before you make that move, ask yourself, “Ultimately, what kind of relationship do I want?” Are you looking for a long-term relationship with good communication and problem solving skills, safety, fidelity, happiness, fairness, a high level of commitment and some staying power? If so, living together is probably not the way you want to go.
Some of the stats for cohabitation’s effect on relationship:
- 40% of cohabiting relationships will end before marriage
- Couples who live together before marrying have a 46% higher chance of later dissolution than those who do not
- Cohabiting couples have a rate of separation that is five times greater than that of married couples
- In the event of separation cohabitants have a reconciliation rate that is only 33% that of married couples
- Multiple cohabiting relationships prior to marriage predicts even greater relationship failure once married.
Why are there such different results between marriage and cohabitation? In ‘The Abolition of Marriage’, Meg Gallagher, who is President of the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy, says, "Cohabitation apes marriage and thus creates the external appearance of a union of lives without creating the internal, moral, legal, or emotional reality of such a union." In other words, something is missing. And whatever that something is makes a big difference.
Before you consider moving in together count the cost for sacrificing long terms goals for short-term gratification and/or survival.
If saving money is the draw to live together consider this study in the Journal of Marriage and Family, which looked at the relationship between marital status and wealth of 9,137 retired persons. Of those, cohabitants who never married had 78% less wealth than the continuously married. Those who had been divorced or widowed had 68% less wealth. Maybe cohabiting saves some rent in the short term, but studies indicate that it doesn’t create wealth over time.
So what are the alternatives?
Many times singles, especially the divorced, are lonely and feel driven to a relationship by that loneliness. There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness. Becoming a successful single is probably THE most important factor to relationship success. What does that mean? First and foremost it means becoming your own person.
Read more about the ways in which cohabiting affects the heart
and when it may not be harmful to your long-term relationship
in the complete article here.
From the Bookshelf
Not from the bookshelf this month, but from the internet. I thought you might be interested in some other articles about cohabitation other than my own. Here are a few:
Cohabitation is bad for men, worse for women, and horrible for children
Ten Facts reveal it is a deadly toxin to marriage, family, and culture
Cohabitation is replacing dating
Research looks at cohabitation’s negative effects
This article had many stats in it that I did not find in other articles, including this one: “Cohabiting couples are disadvantaged financially with the lowest level of wealth among household types, comparable to families headed by a single mother. Intact, two-parent families and stepfamilies have the highest level of wealth.”
Tell us what YOU think. Is cohabitation the next evolutionary step for relationship? Or a disaster waiting to happen? Give us your comments at: www.FisherRebuilding.com.