Life on the Learning Curve
I was at a picnic recently with a group of collaborative divorce professionals. One of the attorneys brought a beer called, (I kid you not), “Collaboration not Litigation.” It has an interesting story. Apparently two different breweries produced a beer with the same name: “Salvation”. Instead of suing each other over rights to the name they decided to collaborate. They now take turns brewing the coveted beer. In our litigious society fight and struggle is our usual way of doing business – both personal and professional. Could this beer be just one step toward a new and better way?
The Art of Collaboration
As I see it, push coming to shove - among nations discovering who has the bigger weapons, or in the case of divorce who has the meanest lawyer, really doesn’t serve anyone. It’s merely a testament to our inability to cooperate – a skill we supposedly learned in kindergarten. Back then it was about a truck or a doll or the biggest piece of pie. Now it’s about houses and retirement accounts. Bigger stakes but the principles are the same. This power struggle model has been the precedent for conflict resolution (so called) since time immemorial. Is it time for a new way?
Once within the domain of the church, marriage now falls under court jurisdiction. Marriage has become a legal contract rather than a commitment of the heart and/or a spiritual union. The problem is that hearts, and family heirlooms, and children cannot be adequately divided via a spreadsheet. Many things within marriage and family life come with emotional attachment and cannot be divided with a “one for you” and “one for me” (or “one for you” and “two for me” as is often the case in divorce) system of dividing things up.
Some divorce professionals are waking up to the brokenness of a system that litigates (read: fights about) divorce. Litigation does little more than stir fears. It brings out the absolute worst in two people who once promised to love each other, and saps financial resources which are already stretched too thin in the attempt to accommodate two households where once there was only one. (One of the collaborative attorneys spoke of a case where a couple spent a half a million dollars litigating their divorce. Oh my gosh!)
What is collaborative divorce?
What do you need to part ways ethically, honorably, with your pride intact, and your family as whole as it can be given the circumstances? That is collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce is doing what it takes to separate hearts, families and memories gently with as little damage as possible.
It may not require all of the following working as a team to bring conscious resolution, or it may require more:
- Therapists
- Coaches
- Mediators
- Financial Advisors
- Child Advocates
- Collaborative Attorneys
(More information can be found here.)
How much does it cost?
The costs for a collaborative divorce can vary as much as litigated cases. In some cases it may cost less than litigation, in some cases it may cost more due to the variety and number of professionals involved. (For certain a highly contested divorce is the most costly of all.) You will get more for your dollar with collaborative divorce because the money you spend actually moves the process forward. In litigated and pro se divorces, in the attempt to “just get it over with”, there is a greater likelihood of overlooked details (such as how the holidays will be spent, or that lost pre-nup that miraculously shows up) necessitating the need to re-open your case later. The collaborative process has a far greater track record of completing the first time around.
If it were possible, wouldn’t you want your fees going toward a negotiated outcome as opposed to paying adversarial attorneys to do your fighting for you? I don’t think people realize how often a judge ends up deciding the outcome anyway. Why would you want to leave such important decisions as your children’s future and/or your financial future to someone who has no vested interest in the outcome?
Collaborative divorce isn’t for everyone:
Those who qualify must be highly motivated to find amicable solution, be willing to fully disclose financial and other information, and take responsibility for the process. It’s your divorce, after all. You once said, “I do.” Now you get to undo. If you’re a candidate for collaborative divorce you are willing to be involved. It will challenge you, no doubt, but you have a whole team of experts to support you along the way. At the heart of collaborative divorce is the agreement by all parties to forego litigation. Everyone pulling in the same direction toward the same goal right from the start is a powerful approach to divorce.
Just as collaborative divorce is not for every couple, it is not for all attorneys either. Some divorces require adversarial energy. That is a given. Collaborative divorce is not the place for it. Collaborative attorneys have a non-adversarial mindset and have had special training designating them as such. They have a vision for launching you and yours into your new life complete, as in without parts and pieces missing.
On a personal growth level:
The insights you will gain by being involved in your process are invaluable. Among them:
- Your conflict styles
- Family of origin issues
- Your mental, emotional and physical needs
- Management of your fears
- Communication skills
- Your strength and courage
- Being present with strong emotion
- Ability to center and ground yourself
- Asking for support
- Developing new life skills
The collaborative process is not easy (divorce isn’t easy any way you approach it) but it is different in that it has you find or develop IN YOU that which you need to meet the challenge of divorcing consciously. Divorce is a transformative experience. A collaborative divorce will facilitate your transformation exponentially and far less painfully. Litigating will tear you apart in anger, fear and exasperation.
I highly favor the collaborative process. For those who can pull it off the learning is immeasurable. If you desire any kind of future relationship with the mother/father of your children, even if just for the sake of the kids, the collaborative process is invaluable.
If you need help finding collaborative divorce professionals to work with I know several that I would recommend without reservation. Just ask.
From the Bookshelf
"The Language of Courage and Inner Strength"
published by Blue Mountain Press
A collection of verse, and snippets of wisdom, about courage and strength. When I was going through my own divorce I felt pretty worthless. I didn’t believe I had much (read: anything) to offer myself, my family, or the world, BUT I knew I had courage. If I had more than that I couldn’t find it, but I always knew I could take the next step – whatever that was – even if it was just getting out of bed. From time to time I could also look honestly at my part in the divorce, or make amends where they needed to be made.
This little book helped me to realize the depth of my courage.
Here is one quote from this tiny but thoughtful book:
Turn to the Courage Within You, by Douglas Pagels
“It takes a strong person to deal with tough times and difficult choices. But you are a strong person. It takes courage. But you possess the inner courage to see you through. It takes being an active participant in your life. But you are in the driver’s seat, and you can determine the direction you want tomorrow to go in.”
If you’ve forgotten how courageous you are, I hope you’ll pick up the book.
Tell us what YOU think. Is cohabitation the next evolutionary step for relationship? Or a disaster waiting to happen? Give us your comments at: www.FisherRebuilding.com.