The Importance of Choosing Well

Several years ago I was wandering a high desert plateau on one of my week-long Spring sabbaticals. I'd been wandering since before sunrise and climbed up high so I could find my car, which was miles away, to choose the best route back to it. As I sat at the 'V' where two canyons joined into one, I did my best to imagine the obstacles and challenges I would encounter if I chose to travel one of those canyons rather than the other. Would I encounter any cliffs where water could get down but I wouldn't be able to? Were there impassable rock falls that would force me to turn around? Which had better scenery; or the most shade? And most importantly, which one would take me closest to my car? One of those canyons took me directly to my car, the other would have taken me miles in the opposite direction… and I was getting hungry. I wasn't in the mood for a detour.

Right there at that 'V', at the place of choice where each path began, was the first time I realized the power of conscious choice…thinking it through. As I sat there looking over the plateaus, the valleys, and the canyons before me I realized that the same conscious care needed to be given to important relational decisions. I was trying to make a decision about my, at the time, 27 year marriage. To stay would give me one experience. To leave would give me an entirely different experience. Two paths. And of course, I couldn't see far enough down either path to be able to predict any kind of outcome, or know all the obstacles I would encounter. I could only see as far as the next turn… just like in the canyons. It really wasn't enough information from which to make such an important decision but it's all I had. It's all any of us has.

I think the fact that no one knows what is down the path of important relationship decisions – from deciding to date again after a divorce or breakup, to choosing a potential partner, to committing to a relationship, to becoming sexual in a relationship, to leaving a relationship – is what draws me to this work… especially the divorce work – which is the greatest unknown. People need a guide… someone on the outside with a more expansive view, or who has been down that particular path before. How much easier it would have been if I had had one. Why do I always seem to do things the hard way?

As I sat there on that plateau in the orange glow of the early morning desert sun that was rapidly heating the day, I also thought, (one has a lot of time to think spending a week in the a desert), of many of the men I knew. The big "what if" question was looming. What if I was single and had this guy for a partner, or that guy, and hmmm… what about THAT guy, now that could be interesting. I pictured my life down the road with each one based on what I knew their character and quirks to be. What amazingly different experiences I would have with each...from benign to playful to bordering on a nightmare. But of course, the most important question of all was again, "Which of thoe men would be in alignment with where I ultimately wanted to go?"

Ultimately I was selected for the divorce path. I traveled alone for quite some time but I learned an awful lot just by asking, "Where am I going and what do I want to have when I get there?" Those questions are hugely important to anyone considering entering into, or leaving, a serious relationship. The traveling partners we select can make or break our happiness, our personal growth, our families, and our finances. May we all choose well. And may we all find our wise guides to help us along the way.