Rules and Your Ex - Reducing the Conflict

By Guest Author, Jeff Jones, MA, CACII, DAACS

Betty had put up with Bill’s lack of keeping his word for over 10 years and finally couldn’t take it anymore. She initiated the divorce. Years later, she still became furious with Bill’s lack of keeping his word. This time it was with the co-parenting of their children. Bill was scheduled to pick up the children at 4:00pm on Wednesdays, but Betty had gotten calls from the children the last 3 Wednesdays saying that Bill was not there at 4:30. She was furious with him and let him know about it. Because she saw herself doing everything exactly like the parenting plan that she and Bill had designed, she felt her anger was justified. She knew that arguing in front of the children was not helpful but she felt she needed to get her point across to Bill so he would change his behavior and show up on time. In her mind, Betty created a rule that Bill’s behavior align with how she understood the best intentions of the parenting plan.

Let’s be clear about the definition of a rule

A rule is any expectation you have for how something should turn out or how someone should act or behave. It’s purposely a broad definition. If you have a rule with your ex that they show up at certain times or places, know that you personally cannot enforce this rule. Why? It’s unenforceable because you do not have control over what they do.

From preference (expressed as a demand or request), to expectation, to unenforceable rule

When you express a preference, it is either in the form of a request or a demand. You can tell the difference by looking at your expectations. If you assume that stating your preference will automatically lead to follow through by your former partner, you have expressed a demand and set in your own mind an expectation. Be careful!

When you believe your expectations, you have created an unenforceable rule. You could be setting yourself up for increased conflict – first, inner conflict in your own mind, second, interpersonal conflict between you and your ex.

How attached are you to the outcome?

When you make a request or demand of your ex, know that you do not have the power to enforce either one. Both are unenforceable. When you try to enforce an unenforceable rule, you get attached to the outcome. You may get frustrated. If you are still confused about a request or a demand, here's the real test: if you make a request and it is not fulfilled, can you let it go or will you hang onto it? You know it's a request if you can let it go.

Here's how to make an enforceable rule:

When you clarify what you will do when you see a specific behavior in your partner you make an enforceable rule. Enforceable rules are specific actions you can take when you see a specific behavior or hear a specific thing [editor's note: consequences]. Enforce only those things you have control over and your life will include less conflict.

Examples of preferences (can be expressed as a request or demand):

• “I’d like it if you to pick up the children at 4:00pm on Wednesday as stated in the parenting plan.”

• “I don’t want you to start an argument with me in front of the children.”

Examples of expectations that lead to unenforceable rules:

• “I need you pick the children up when you agreed to; it’s not respectful.”

• “Promise me, you will pick up the children at 4:00pm next Wednesday.”

Enforceable rules you may create:

• “If you don’t pick the children up at 4:00pm this Wednesday, I’m going to . . .”

• “If you start an argument in front of the children, I’ll remove myself and the children from the situation and talk with you the following day.”

Minimize the rules you put onto your ex’s behavior and maximize the rules you put on your own behavior. Why? The more you put rules on your ex’s behavior the more rules you create that you do not have the power to make happen. The more your rules are about what you will do, the more you create positive change in the life of your co-parenting relationship.

Let your rules be specific to what you will do when you see or hear a certain behavior.

“But if I don’t tell them what I want from them, they’ll continue to be cruel”
Telling your ex what you want is not the problem. The problem is that telling them may create an expectation in your own mind that you turn into unenforceable rules. What your ex is doing may very well be cruel, however, your continued words to get them to change sets up an expectation or unenforceable rule in your own mind. If you have told your ex the same thing several times and you have not seen change, don’t expect that telling them again will make the situation better. You have the power to change your behavior. You do not have the power to change their behavior.

“But you don’t understand! My ex is incessant with negative comments.”

For people who have this with their children’s other parent, there are some important points to consider. First, if the conflict continues your children will continue having a negative residual impact. Your spouse is not one hundred percent responsible for the conflict. Have the confidence that you have the power to change your own rules and this will affect you children in a positive way. Don’t wait for you ex to change. They may not ever change. But you can change.

Second, you will either stay stuck in the mires of this negative energy or you will see this as an opportunity to grow and change yourself. Yes, on one level, it may seem like you are giving into them or letting them get away with something. Don’t buy into it. In the long run the changes you make will help you determine how you want to grow from this experience. Your growth will be a positive model to your children.

It was an easy concept for Betty to understand, but much more difficult to practice

After coming into counseling, Betty started to pay attention to the self talk that goes through her head during the day. She was surprised at how often she was thinking about how unfair Bill’s behavior is to her and the children. She had asked him to follow through with picking up the children when they got out of school at 4:00 pm. Now she realized that her “asking” was in her mind an expectation, and when he did not pick up the children at 4:00 pm her anxiety would increase about how this affected the children. After 6 counseling sessions and practicing throughout the week, she got better at catching her expectation before expressing them to Bill. Her self-talk became less about Bill’s behavior and more about catching her own expectations. When Betty’s rules changed from putting expectations onto Bill about the children, to becoming clear within herself of what she expected of herself in regards to Bill’s picking up the children, her life became much less complicated. Eventually, she saw and felt value and joy coming back into her life.

In short

In the privacy of your mind, your preferences can turn into an expectation and eventually an unenforceable rule. This leads to increased inner conflict in your own head, as well as external conflict between you and your ex.

Going forward

The first step is to recognize your unenforceable rules. When you realize that you make unenforceable rules you take back some of the power you have given to your ex to hurt you. Next, you construct rules that will lead to more internal peace with a greater ability to manage your emotions. Find support to help you make this transition peacefully. With more peace and greater ability to cope with your emotions you will have more energy for improved judgment around all of the interactions with your ex.

Jeff Jones is a Mediator, Psychotherapist, Recovery Coach, Interventionist, and Addiction Counselor. He’s available by phone, skpye, or in person in his Lafayette, Colorado office. He specializes in Working with Conflict, Divorce Mediation, Addictions Counseling, Family Intervention, and Relationship Issues.