Promises Promises

Ask a child if taking her friend’s teddy bear is stealing and she may not know. After all, she wants it, so what could possibly be wrong with that? But let someone take her favorite toy and she will understand stealing immediately. How dare they?

I’ve been thinking a lot about an adult version of that dynamic. There are some things we adults just don’t understand until they happen to us. Breaking a promise is one of those. Adults who routinely break promises rarely think much of it. After all, something more important came along, surely you understand. It is when we are on the receiving end of a broken promise that we come to understand the impact.

The power of promise

Marriage is certainly an important promise, but we can learn a lot by how we approach our daily, less significant, commitments: picking up the kids, meeting a colleague for lunch, paying bills when due, making a promised phone call. A promise is a promise. From the perspective of the promisee, one promise is no more important than another. Each one, no matter how small, has an impact on the receiving end. A kept promise builds a relationship. It builds trust and opens possibilities. A broken promise damages a relationship. It breaks trust and limits possibilities.

Think back to a time when someone broke a promise to you. “I will meet you at 10 a.m. at the coffee shop.” Strolling in at 10:30 your friend says, “I decided to stop for a quick oil change on the way over. I figured you’d understand.” Hmmm. You were slated below ‘oil change’ on your friend’s priority list. How’d that feel?

Using your promises as an evaluation tool

Nearly everyone I work with is invested in their personal growth on some level. Many ask, “How will I know when I’ve completed my work?” Although personal work is ongoing and never really completed, the state of your relationships will reflect your personal growth. If the changes you are making aren’t manifest in the real world, they aren’t complete.

The oil changer in the example above may not experience any adverse effects from his broken promises… at least initially. After all, it happened to YOU, not him. If he routinely breaks his promises, and especially if he doesn't care that he does, he will eventually experience the fruit of those choices. It may not be until he is surrounded solely by shallow relationships that he begins to wonder what went wrong. Take a look at the depth and honesty of your relationships to determine where to focus your personal work.

(In the next issue of the Design Your Life newsletter I will talk about the 3 step process for using your promises to create dynamic relationships, which includes developing a vision for how you want your relationships to be.)

Your response to broken promises

Another way to use your promise as an evaluation tool is to examine your response.

When circumstances appear bigger than your promise, how do you respond?

• Are you a victim to your circumstances?
  
• Do you get angry and blame the person who expects you to fulfill your promise?
  
• Do you endeavor to renegotiate your agreement given current conditions?
  
• Do you understand that making a promise is a spiritual event that is bigger than either of you? After all, you are creating the future together.
  
• Are you governed by the vision of what you want your relationships to be like and willing to risk your pride and whatever else it takes to bring your vision to pass?
  
• Do you trust that divine providence will step in and provide you with new resources that will enable you to keep your promise?

How you approach your promise reveals where you are on the continuum toward your authentic self. The approaches above are listed from least resourceful or mature on the spiritual/personal growth continuum, to the greatest. Where are you?

On the reverse, how do you respond when others break promises to you?

• Pretend no promise was made
  
• Hope that if you don’t say anything she’ll still be your friend
  
• Adapt your schedule to accommodate him?
  
• Tell her how her broken promises hurt you and hurts the relationship?
  
• Give ultimatums. “If you’re late again I won’t be here.”
  
• End the relationship

Unlike the previous list, these are not necessarily listed from least to most mature. This list offers examples of no boundaries to severe boundaries. While I don’t think the first 3 in the list are useful for an ongoing relationship there may be times when that is what you choose. For relationships that you care about I encourage you to employ your own version of the final 3 choices.

We teach people how to treat us. If you let others break their promises to you without requiring an accounting on their part it doesn’t help them, and it will whittle away at your soul. I encourage you to invite your friends to hold you to your promises. Do the same for them. The willingness to have this kind of exchange in your relationship will tell you a lot about your friends.