3 Steps of the Relationship Circle

Participants in my live divorce classes always ask, "How can I avoid going through this pain again?" I love that question. Asking it is a great first step toward creating a good future relationship.

I don't want to be like one of those magazines that proclaim one can recover from divorce in 3 easy steps. Offering steps is simplistic. But I can provide some basic components that I have learned – with the understanding of course, that living out the steps is far more involved than merely reading them on a page.

I'm addressing this to 'you'. It's just easier to write that way. But know that these are things that I, too, have lived - sometimes not altogether willingly. In that, this is addressed to all of us.

So here they are, three steps of the relationship circle:

1. Complete the old relationship.
   
2. Figure out who you are and what your life is about now.
   
3. Proceed to dating consciously and selectively.

Completing the old relationship…

…means to work through the myriad of emotions that come with divorce - the anger, the grief, the sadness, and taking some time to rebuild your sense of self worth so you're not dependent on someone else to provide that for you. It doesn't mean just crying less rather than more, it means being done with the crying and even engaging in a certain sense of completeness, understanding, and appreciation for why you are where you are.

It means tying up any loose ends that still energetically or legally bind you to the old relationship. This could be emotional, financial, business, assets, or parenting variables. It means being able to think of and/or be around your former partner without being emotionally triggered. It means standing on your own two feet solidly enough that you're not interested in replacing the relationship you've lost merely to fill a gap.

It also means staying single long enough to work through and heal your loneliness buttons, create financial stability for yourself, get into a workable routine around co-parenting and/or work, get yourself healthy again, and make your living space a place that is representative of the new you and that you are happy to be in. It takes a minimum of two years to do these things well. More if you were in a long-term marriage.

Figuring out who you are and what your life is about now…

...means recapturing the sense of self that you may have lost through your married years. What did you put on hold? What parts of you did you banish with whom you now need to get reacquainted? What are you passionate about? Where are you going with your life? What is the impact you want to make during your remaining years? What new hobbies do you want to try? If you don't know, now is the time to find out.

Singleness is a little like childhood. There are few responsibilities, you get to play with your friends, do what you want. And, like childhood, we often wish it away. As kids we want to be 10 not 9, and then a teen, and then 16 so we can drive, and then 21, and on and on it goes. Then arriving at adulthood we wonder where the carefree days of youth went. Singleness is like that. We may long to be in a relationship but then wonder why we were in such a hurry to be done with the carefree life of a single. How much better to be present with our singleness and enjoy what it has to offer right now. It will be gone soon enough.

Proceeding to dating consciously and selectively…

...is key to future relationship success. Consciously means being aware of your impact and the results of your choices – always. (For example, to eat consciously means to be aware of the foods that make you feel good and those that make you sick. Relationally the principle is the same.) If you spend time with someone and feel awful afterward, own that, and then choose differently or with different criteria the next time. Learn and use boundary skills to protect your heart, your life, and your dreams.

Proceeding selectively has to do with knowing who you are and what your life is about now (as opposed to before your divorce) so you can choose someone who is going in the same direction you are and won't be at cross-purposes with you. There's so much in life to be at odds about, from how to spend money to what temperature to keep the house, selecting somebody who is in alignment with you in as many key areas as possible offers the best chance for success.

After making a selection, test the relationship over time to see how it holds up – when one of you is feeling financial strain, or when one of you is sick, or when family problems come home to roost. So many modern relationships are built on fragile ground. Before committing again, make sure the relationship can handle the weight of daily life.

The last tip I have for you may be the most important one...

…. and that is, if at any time you realize an approaching relationship isn't right for you, be willing to walk away and trust that a right relationship is waiting in the wings for you. This can be really hard if you've already invested a lot of time and energy but boy, a good singleness is so much better than a bad marriage.

Having gone through these steps myself I see how imperative each one is. Not following them would be, at best, relationship roulette and the chance of success the luck of the draw. Relationship success really doesn't have to be the mystery it has been for most of us.

Your journey will look different. The names and faces will be different. Your timetable will be unique to you. The circumstances through which you navigate will provide lessons unique to your personal growth path, and yet you will still travel these three basic steps in order to come full circle into another meaningful relationship.